Spew Story

***WARNING***

You may find this disgusting and/or offensive. As the title suggests, the story involves vomit. Nicole had nothing to do with this and, unfortunately, was not present to screen the contents. I shamelessly post this because I think it's funny. You have been warned.

***WARNING***

They are coming for me.

Each ride brings them closer.

The first culprits were faceless - ralphing noises and smells but unseen except for plastic bags of vomit rolling down the aisle or the unbelievably patient mother's shoulder covered in baby's breakfast. That time we laughed.

The next retch was two rows in front, but still well beyond range of the average barf. Only a freak shift of the winds could have possibly involved me. The unfortunate Dutch woman, whom we thought was German, was not so lucky. She sat adjacent to the burper and suffered their wrath. More than once. I am not a parent so I'm not sure why the mother aimed her child's spray into the lap of the German, who was, actually, Dutch, but she did. Twice. Using international sign language for "Please point your child's puke away from me," the Dutch woman was able to limit the bombardment to chance ricochet. Potent, still. That time we didn't laugh, but we knew it would be a good story later and we did laugh later with the Dutch couple whom we thought were German.

The third ride was neither funny then, nor later, because it was scary. The pattern became clear and I realized then that it was only a matter of time before I became a target. The initial passengers seemed safe - only one puker in the row in front. Her confident chucking of the full plastic bag across the bus, past a sleeping passenger, and out the window made me realize, though, that the threat did not have to be obvious. But then it really happened. The bus stopped to pick up three new villagers - one of which sat down in the aisle next to me and immediately hurled into a plastic bag just because she was nervous. Bags continued to be filled and then flung out the window throughout the six hour bus ride and we survived unscathed. That time I cried and the nightmares started.

My nightmares are reminiscent of a scene from the movie Stand By Me. Hundreds of Lao bus riders gather around our seat and simultaneously spew solid streams of rice, curry, and pork squarely into my face. After several minutes they stop, but only after a complete drenching. Then the bus starts and I marinate in my stew for the entire six hour bus ride while thinking about how I knew they were coming for me.